Deep Inside I've Been Falling Apart

**Rachel Everett** · by **Rachel Everett** on Thu Feb 28, 2008 3:35 am

It was relatively early in the morning on the first day of the school year at Hogwarts. And yet, Rachel was strolling down the pathway that led to the Hogwarts courtyard that she could see from her room in the tower that had been reserved just for her, Katie, Sara, Kristina, and Sara. The clock told her it was 5 in the morning, but it felt like it was later. Early afternoon or something, it felt like people should be milling about, like a normal time to be awake. She hadn't woken up this early since forever, since before her mother had died. While she was by no means a morning person, her mother and she would sometimes get up early to go do fun things for the entire day. That was partially why she had woken up, in her opinion. Because she needed time to think about her mother. This was a rather monumental day, after all.A day that if you told her was going to occur about a year ago, she would've laughed and told you to stop being silly. Everyone in Italy knew about Hogwarts, but never really dreamed of attending there. And now, she was attending the prestigious Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. She had finally met the aunt her mother had talked fairly often about, but never too much, and there was never any mention of meeting her...and now her mother, who she would get up early with, talk about Hogwarts, her aunt, and things in general, wasn't here to talk to her about these things now that they were happening. For some reason, this pained her a lot more than she had thought it would. It was like a dull ache in her chest that would sharpen slightly with every breath she took. Over the summer, when she had met Harry, she'd thought that she'd been cured of this sorrow over her mother's death, but in truth, it seemed like spending time with him, and later, the girls she had met over the summer and just yesterday, had made the pain easier to deal with. It was still there, but lessening and lessening in strength. But now, when she was alone, at times like this...it all came crashing back with incredible pain. She wondered if it would ever go away, or if it would come back everytime she was alone. Rachel couldn't really understand how that would be bearable, feeling this pain time and time again. It would make her never want to be alone again, but would that really help, being with other people all the time? What if she got too attached to them, and then they too suffered because of her?

As she pondered these rather upsetting thoughts, she realized that she had at last come upon the courtyard. The great overhanging trees cast shadows all along the stone pathways, and gardens weaved around almost as confusingly as the pathways. After walking around the courtyard for a couple of times, and rubbing her arms up and down on her arms-there was a slight chill in the air, and although she was wearing her cloak, she couldn't help but shiver slightly. Harry had warned her that experiencing winter, fall, and even spring in England would be a challenge to her, who was used to the sunshine, but she hadn't expected even the weather was supposed to get her down. Then again, she didn't think she'd feel that much different even if it was sunny. At last, she turned a corner and saw a bench nestled in between two gardens of tall roses. She hesitantly sat down on it, and then realizing that it was freezing in the morning air, warmed it up with a charm. After a few seconds, when her bottom was sufficiently toasty, she leaned back against the wall behind the bench and sighed, content to stay here until breakfast began.

**Katie Sanders** · by **Katie Sanders** on Thu Feb 28, 2008 11:42 pm

Katie Sanders was running, flying across the Hogwarts grounds as though it would help her to escape, to forget. And, as soon as she’d escaped from the overbearing clutches of the entrance hall, she’d found it easy to let go, to concentrate on nothing more than her own heartbeat and breathing, to hear nothing but the steady sound of her feet hitting the grass, to see nothing more than what was moving in front of her.

She’d been having a nightmare, of course, about the day her mother had been killed. Though they came often, somehow they always managed to shake her, to send her into a terrified fit, to give her a sudden, irrational desire to escape. In her last few days at home, she’d become quite good at redirecting her attention- not really wanting to have to explain if the Weasleys found her again on the ground- to other matters, for example, reading her new course books. However, this morning brought on a whole new level of change for Katie- it was as though she’d been snatched away from everything she’d ever known. Though she knew it felt irrational- after all, she knew the Weasleys quite well, and had become something close to friends with Rachel while she was staying with them- she’d been unable to redirect her thoughts and, in a sudden fit of angst, had jumped out of bed, thrown on a dark blue sweatshirt over her aqua tank top, leaving her feat bare and blue plaid pajama pants on, and had quietly slipped through the common room and out into the night.

It had been rather dark when Katie had left, seeing as it was around four in the morning, but, as she came back to her senses, she realized that the sky was lightening, that she was coming up to the dawn of her first day at Hogwarts. Glancing around her again, she realized that she had already passed through the entrance hall, and was now heading into something of a courtyard.

It was surprisingly peaceful here, what with the trees silent, and the sky slowly turning from dark blue to pink. She was alone here, probably for the last time today, too- company was everywhere at Hogwarts, whether you asked for it or not.

And yet… as she turned the corner, Katie could see that she was not alone at all, but rather, Rachel was sitting on a bench, leaning against the wall, and looking lost in thought. Not thinking, Katie took a seat next to her and whispered, in a very soft voice, not wanting to startle or wake anyone, “Hey.”

**Rachel Everett** · by **Rachel Everett** on Fri Feb 29, 2008 8:22 pm

She jumped a little in the seat as her eyes flew open. The sound of someone talking to her had awoken her out of her silent reverie of thoughts of what was lost. Looking to her left, she saw Katie Sanders, the girl whom she had met over the summer before learning that she too would be transferring into Hogwarts. It seemed to be quite common this year, actually. These two girls got along well enough, mostly because they had quite a bit in common. An eerie amount almost, but when you're in a new country with few girls your own age who are as new as you, you take what you can get. Like the other three girls who were rooming in the Tower with them, they had moved from other countries over the summer to stay in England and attend Hogwarts. As if that wasn't terrifying enough, these moves had both taken place after the deaths of their mothers-although neither of them spoke about the details to the other. Rachel had always felt that it was something too personal, and set her apart too much to talk about. After all, how many other girls moved after their mothers have been murdered, and don't have a father because when you were a baby he met a similar fate? It would have completely destroyed the new comraderie they shared. They had both met people who were going to Hogwarts over the summer, and had even shopped for school supplies in Diagon Alley together. That trip had certainly been an interesting, for more reasons than one. As the summer had drawn to the close, Rachel had stayed with Katie while Harry stayed with the Weasleys. They had met in the Weasley's field practically every early afternoon to play Quidditch, talk, or go down to the Muggle town and just look around. Rachel felt as though Katie was like a sister to her, in a way. It was hard to explain, really.They weren't exactly close friends, not yet, but she was definitely someone she could turn to fi she ever had a problem. Over the summer, Harry had sufficed fairly well for that purpose, but he was a guy, and in the year above her, so there were somethings she wouldn't share with him, and some that she couldn't. While the lack of a person like Katie hadn't bothered her, it was kind of nice to have a girl your own age who knew what it was like being you. Who had gone through your problems, That's probably why when Rachel saw that it was Katie sitting next to her, she wasn't angry, upset, or embarassed at being found sitting quietly in the courtyard at this ungodly hour, thinking melancholy thoughts. Instead, she was a little pleased. A slight smile spread slowly across her face as she looked at Katie, and she replied, "Hey."

The red head straightened up, pulling her hair out from behind her to keep it from tangling in the roses. She looked back at Katie and asked, "I didn't think anybody would be up this early. I hope I didn't wake you when I headed down a few minutes ago." She eyed Katie's outfit and wondered if she was cold-after all, she didn't even have any shoes on. Unfortunately, the most she could do was cast another warming charm, so she cast one at their feet-her toes were kind of chilly as well.

**Katie Sanders** · by **Katie Sanders** on Sat Mar 01, 2008 3:58 am

Katie felt a smile slowly drift across her face, as she leaned back against the cold wall. For some reason, she felt completely at ease just sitting down and talkinga with Rachel- the two girls not only had quite a bit in common, but their aquaintence over the summer had helped something of a friendship to blossom. Katie could really see herself becomming best friends- if not like sisters (but really, what was the difference?) with her.

Noticing her bare feet, Rachel had cast a warming charm on her feet, which was making her toes quite toasty, when ordinarily they should have been very cold; it was, after all, a chilly fall morning. "Thanks" she said, motioning towards her feet. "And, don't worry, you didn't wake me, I've been up for awhile...I sort of had a nightmare and couldn't stand being alone in the room anymore" Her cheeks immeaditly flushed a slight red at admitting this, and yet, somehow she felt that Rachel would understand her predicament...

**Rachel Everett** · by **Rachel Everett** on Tue Mar 04, 2008 2:11 am

Unsticking her red hair from the castle wall once more, Rachel scootched over to make room for her friend. She smiled slightly at the word. How often had she thought she'd never make any friends in England? And here she was, sitting with one. In fact, she hadn't done too bad, considering her first friend had been none other than the savior of England-and maybe even the world-a one Harry Potter. That caused her to smile a bit more as she thought of him again, he really was very sweet. As soon as her thoughts began straying in that direction, she focused herself and looked over at Katie again. She didn't feel like talking, not yet, and something told her that Katie wouldn't mind, wouldn't press her about it. She had asked why Katie was out here, of course, but if Katie didn't answer she would probably be fine with it.

"You're welcome," she replied with a grin, her brown eyes sparkling in the early morning light. She was rather surprised to hear that she hadn't woken her, and even more surprised when Katie told her the reason she was awake. She sat there for a moment, looking at the sky, thinking how to respond. "I...I know what you mean. I didn't have a nightmare, exactl.y" she said slowly, wondering whether or not she really dared share this with another person. She hadn't mentioned her mother too much to anyone but Harry, and it really had only been touch and go stuff. She had described her most recurring nightmare, he had described his. The most they'd ever spoken of them had been little "The nightmare?" and the reply "Yes". or "No." It was more often than not yes, but that was really they felt was at all necessary. With Harry, she could ignore her fears. Maybe with Katie she had to recognize them. "Well, I was just thinking, and I didn't want to stay in my room anymore either." she chuckled a little. "What a couple of freaks we are."

**Katie Sanders** · by **Katie Sanders** on Mon Mar 10, 2008 6:55 pm

Katie chuckled. "A couple of freaks indeed" Sighing, she ran a hand through her dirty-blonde hair and leaned against the wall, settling comfortably on the bench. The day was growing brighter now; the sun would soon be ready to come up. As Katie sat there, in a nice silence, her mind began to wander, as she thought about how different life had grown in the past year; how everything, including who she was, had changed. She'd used to be reckless, carefree, fun- as far as she'd been concerned life was something that she was owed, not given. One might have thought that after her mother's death, Katie would have become less reckless, more paraniod, but, for whatever reason, that wasn't the case with her. Instead, she'd become a bit crazier, especially in the first couple of weeks, and willing to do anything, anywhere. It was as though she wanted to prove to herself that bad things were something fate dished out, and uncontrollable. Because...if they could be prevented...then that would hold her responsible; for everything that had happened; responsible for the murder of her mother and the coldness between members of her family. And if that were the case, then, well...Katie wasn't quite sure if she could bear to live with herself any longer.

Then Katie remembered that Rachel had said something about nightmares. She didn't know that much about this history of her new friend; Ron had been unwilling to talk about it, and it felt like prying to ask Rachel directly. She only assumed that, since Rachel had been coming from her aunt's, that something terrible had happened to her as well. But it felt like prying to ask...still, it would be nice to know that she wasn't the only one tortured at night...

Before she could really think, Katie opened her mouth and asked gently, "Do you have nightmares too sometimes?" she then felt her cheeks turn bright red again, and hastened to say, "I mean, if you don't want to talk about it, that's fine, I didn't mean to pry...I just wondered..."

Deep Inside I've Been Falling Apart

Deep Inside I've Been Falling Apart

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